fences

I admit I haven't been a very assiduous blogger these days...

Coming back to Sweden was somehow difficult and simple at the same time - many friends are gone for good now, and I am soon entering the second half of my stay here. The days I still have to spend here are going to be less and less, and I don't know if I'm more freaked out by the fact that I will have to go, or happy to collect this experience...

In the last week of January, I found myself in an almost nightmarish situation. Have you ever dreamed of being on stage without any clue of what to say or do, not even knowing the character you should play? It was a little bit like this for me, when Oleg's friend Thomas asked me to participate in an Esperanto-concert this same day. I said yes and found myself on stage approx. 90 minutes later, playing songs I barely knew on an instrument I knew even less (Melodika), but it was fun - and definitely a challenge. I was surprised by my own coolness, hm.

At the moment, I'm desperately trying to find where my courses take place. It's Kafkaesque: no informations, no contact-persons, no schedules, no nothing. Also, when I finally think I found the place, I go there and I find that there is a completely different course going on. It seems that my lectures are like little animals that escape every time you think you caught them.

Yesterday I treated myself and decided to go and buy some food. I realized that I have been living on an almost empty fridge since I came back (don't worry, there are some people who care for me...). I guess it was the trauma of coming back and being expected to pay 4 Euro for 4 miserable tomatoes which has held me back from providing myself with edible stuff...

So far, I guess my life doesn't seem to be very exciting, but I tell you, the show is going on inside... Since I came here, I feel like I'm on a roller coaster, or some sort of highway of self-experience. I shake up the boundaries of what I think I am, or what I think things should be like almost everyday. It comes naturally to try different ways and although it seems all so small I am astonished by the results. I'm especially interested in all these things that are linked to this notion of "femininity" - I dug up a lot of strange ideas from inside myself of how women (and therefore me, too) are supposed to be, and I'm having fun challenging myself to disappoint my own expectations. For instance, who would have thought that it was so difficult for me to go out without make-up? ... -
So, I went out without make-up.
And observed.

Voices in my head telling me I'm the ugliest creature on earth and should rather go home and hide under the blanket. Insecurities I have no idea where they come from. I'm especially amused by this conviction of mine that one layer of mascara would change it all... And what happened, you'll ask? Nothing. No-one making fun of me or looking repulsed. Let's say: no-one even looking (ok, I'm in Lund...). So: I'm free to do it or leave it.

It got all so smooth since I started to consciously get the "what-could-people-think"-fence out of my way; so I keep going.

There's more things going on, but I keep them for another post (matter of holding up the suspense...)